Dear ____,

May I ask why are you doing the things you are doing? I realize you are as unforgving as I am. Maybe more. I mean, I know I did things that fucked up things. So should that be the reason why you are avoiding me? Sigh. If I didn’t know you, I would have thought that you are actually delibrately avoiding me in school. Not that I know you, though. We never knew each other. All we did wass to find bits and pieces of the jigsaw and assume that whatever we imagined the end-picture to be would be what it really is in reality. Well, I’m not who I am. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been acting in front of you. It’s so easy to just take on whatever character you seemed to place on my name. *smirk*…

Honestly, I dunno what to do whenever I even try to deal with you in my mind. You are like Ronald Weasley armed with the sarcasm of Severus Snape. No one knew much about Severus, much less about Ron. Always acting aloof and nonchalant. Then when you become serious, you just morph into a stranger. *dry chuckles*… It’s just too difficult to speak to you.

Everytime I see you talking with them, I am reminded yet again that there are just too many impediments that resists every single connection between us. Or maybe… it’s just you.

truly despondent :(:(
steph

I didn’t go to school today. Sigh. I regret not doing so. Seriously. I mean, I’m not one that can sit around doing nothing for a long amount of time. And guess what? I’ve gotten myself a million and and one mosquito bites on my legs and my feet! !@#$%^&*( you blooffie mosquitos!!! HUMPH!!

Anyway, I managed to go to another school. CHRIST CHURCH. Yep! Went to collect my testimonial. At the same time I got my O level art piece back. Heh. Guess what(again)! Hahaha.. My art teacher actually displayed my art piece outside the school hall!!! MY ART PIECE!!! Whee!!! And he said that my art piece was one of the more presentable ones, so yeah! Of course I was happy!! Haha. I know, I’m over excited.

So yeah. Thats about it. I guess this is just another meaningless blabber that I have to have. Many things are still too raw and sensitive for me to explore and talk about now. So many emotions and feelings in me that I don’t even dare to talk about, much less to investigate within myself. I’m guess I’m not ready. Sooner or later I have to face them(and him), but no, not now. NOT NOW.

Sigh… My brain refuse to co-operate. It sucks big-time! I can’t think, could barely squeeze out any points for my team’s presentation at all. Sigh…

If i died tonight,
would you miss me?
Would you cry?

If I fell tonight,
would I still be your friend?
Or am i just a passer-by?

If I killed myself tonight,
would you please love them more?
Would you hold them in your arms when they need to cry?

If I sleep forever tonight,
please tell me you loved me once.
And release me from my hell.

It’s so fucking funny. If things happened just a few years earlier, I would never be alive now.

She looked around and sighed. ‘How superficial’ she thought. No one here knows her. And neither did they try to. They looked, they judged, they left. Now, she’s so tired. Just sitting up straight was a near-impossible task for her. Her heart clenches with a deep ache. A tear trickled down her cheeks as she understood. No one was going to be there for her. ‘That’s how the world goes. When you need them, they choose not to know you.’

Standing up, she whispered a silent goodbye, waiting for someone to notice her. No one did. Just as always. She shook her head and slung her book bag over her shoulders. Straightening her back, she took a deep breath, summoning all the courage she could muster. Closing her eyes, she stepped out of the door and never looked back.

A little too poignant for me, yet I wrote it. Sigh. I must say, my mood isn’t in his best behavior now. Seriously. I can’t really smile for long periods of time and I feel really really tired. Not a little tired but preactically drop-dead sleepy kind of tired. I don’t know what’s wrong. Many things have happened, and again and again I get trapped in my past. And now I’m getting more tired than ever. The whirlpool of my past just pulls me down into its circle and it just traps me down into it’s complexed jumble.

i’m so tired i could die.

Now.

Oh oh oh!!! Hahaha. I’ve have just taken pictures of my handspun that I did quite some time ago. The shots weren’t very well done, by my standards, but that was the best I could do, anyway. LoL.

First close-up

Second close-up with flash
The flash made my background seemed dark

Another close-up. Looks kinda bad

Ah well… I need a camera of my own.

LoL! I think I miss Christ Church Sec. Like… REALLY REALLY miss it. Sigh.

I miss all the corridoors and classrooms and benches that were not-so-randomly placed around the school.
I miss seeing those people that I’ve been looking at for the past 4 years.
I miss those strangers that weren’t so strange afterall.

I miss the times spent just lingering around with mushiies.
I miss the people from my class, even though we weren’t close at all.
I miss those stupid teachers that were too grown up to see us sometimes.
I miss lessons that were boring.
I miss 白老师 for her kind words.

I miss canteen food.
I miss ordering food from MAC even though Mr Koa was an ass about it.

I miss band practice.
I miss seeing the juniors doing their best.
I miss the bitches and bastards of my beloved cca.
I miss the things that we have to do in band.
I miss the teachers.
I miss the feeling of performing in front of so many with the band. even though no one loved us much

I miss
the important people
the people who mattered
the people who didn’t
the people who saw me for who I was
the people who got off just by laughing at me
the people who stood beside me til to the end.

I miss them
even though at times I don’t know if I could still love them.

Now, I love the mushiies

and they will always be important to me

I hope to see some of the people I knew, again, maybe in future.

Fate brought us together once,
Destiny will love us enough to bring us together again.

Whee!! Today is WWKIP Day!! Heh. So yeah, I made my way down to Changi Airport T3 to meet with the rest of the Singapore Knitters. I’m seriously too tired to blog now so I’ll say more tml!

I’m so bloody restless now I feel like jogging at the park, keeping in mind, it IS 3.05am now. Right. Anyway. just wanne update on some stuff that I’ve been doing.

Few MAJOR HAPPENING HAPPENINGS:

• I’ve started to do some drafting and spinning, picking up since I really find it fun and I’m also using it is a source of money
• Went out with The Gang yesterday(it IS past midnight) and I finally got my chance to speak with Desmond. Found out things tht answered a few necessary questions.
• I’m pretty much into Marie Digby now cuz she’s pretty awesome. Read my lips words her voice soothes me. Alot.
• I’ve been seeing Geral for almost the entire week. LoL. I’m no lesbo, I just love my friends.
• I’ve just dyed my first batch of ROVINGS. It’s pretty. ^^ And thanks Geral, it’s wasn’t convenient to do it at my place. Thanks to your dad too, for dinner and his advice!:D:D

Right. There you go. Hehe. By the way, something funny happened yesterday on my way home. I was spinning yarn on the train and their was this kid next to me that help me hold my spindle. He is kinda cute for a young man. But I’m not a PAEDOPHILE either, alright?

Will be going to iceskating tml, I hope. Now, there is only CD, Syaf and I who are going, so it sorta doesn’t make a group of 4. Crossing my fingers that someone will sms me back or show up tml. I’ll love them if they do that.

Well, I’m going back to my ff.net. I’mgoing to read one more chapter then I need my bed.

Night.