I don’t know him. I hadn’t even caught his name. Yet when he stood in front of me, at that moment, I saw. I saw that beautifully flawed person that he was. Saw those harsh lines on his face, saw that scar that runs down his left cheek, saw those chapped lips that spoke more than just the thirst for water. More so, I saw the pain that he suffered in those black onyx eyes of his. 

People around him mocked him mercilessly for the way he was, but I knew, then, that he was utterly beautiful, and nothing else could justify what he was. No one could look beyond his looks and the way he spoke to others. They could not understand. 

But I could. I could.

And to me, that was enough.

A little something that was inspired by both a really really beautiful man, and a really hot dancer,

Alright. So, I’ve got flu, and I’m really feeling shitty now. Still… I’m quite sick and tired about the vibes I get from people and I’m so gonna rant about it! You know, quite sometime ago, some guy told me that I had a “bitch-face”. After that, one of my better guy friends said that too. I think maybe it’s true, because too many people give me that “I-Dislike-You-Vehemently” sot of vibes that make me feel as unworthy as the rubbish in the pantry after a meal. It’s damn sickening ok. And one more thin I realise, people like to play games with me. On alternative days, they are nice to me. On others, they either ignore me or just shut me out. What the fuck is that for? Did I do something wrong? If I did, please say so! Don’t play such mind games that I have no desire to involve myself in! It’s sickening, and I’m sick and tired of it! Bloody hell, I even see it in people damn close to me, and I feel more hurt than anything. If there is something you can’t/don’t want to say, well, just say so. I’ll leave you alone, for gads sake!

I’m so tired of feeling like a thrown aside doll, like I don’t matter! It sucks, ok! It bloody SUCKS! And nobody fucking tries to understand, not my friends, not my PARENTS! Fuck, My parents throw the dumbest shit at me and all I can do is to say, ok. Fuck that! And that guy who said that he needed alot of space, fuck that too! You can have all the space and distance you want! I don’t bloody care! You can stay at some random astronomy tower and ignore me, because I’ve given up! I’VE GIVEN UP! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND YOUR BLOODY SPACE! FROM THIS MOMENT ON, YOU FUCKING DON’T EXIST.

I’m so tired… Feel like crying, but I can’t do so. Everyone also say “Stay strong, and you can do it”. But I feel so bloody tired. Then when I look around me and see people suffering, I feel so bloody selfish. I am, huh? That guy that called me “bitch face” would definitely agree. I AM SELFISH.

Hi guys,

I have officially changed my blog to blogger, but that doesn’t mean that I’m no longer using this blog. I just need a new environment, for awhile, and for now, simplicity of blogspot works.

Visit my new home, ok???!!!!

Loves, 
Me.

Well, time has definitely passed. And once again, I bemoan the way time goes in its repulsively fast way. It’s really sickening how I end up stuck under a rainy cloud again. Tears blended with raindrops, leaving my cheeks cold as emotions drove through my mind in its own frenzied manner.

~*~*~

People say it’s easy
to leave and never turn back.
I’d say thats rubbish
cuz my heart’s not being wise.

I’m looking back on the days we spent together
And I can’t say that things seems better
now you’re no more here.

Words of love
A memory past.
Looks of faith
I dare not hold on to
Cuz I know
That things are not the same.

I’m looking back on the days we spent together
And I can’t say that things seems better
now you’re no more here.

~ Zids.

Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights
But lullabies helps make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I’d be around
I’m building up the strength just to say

I’m Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn’t around to keep
It’s all me,
This time is the last time that I’ll ever beg you to stay
But your already on your way

Filled with sorrow, filled with pain
Knowing that I am to blame
For leaving your heart out in the rain
And I know your gonna walk away
And leave me with the price to pay
Before you go I wanted to say

I’m Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn’t around to keep
It’s all me,
This time is the last time that I’ll ever beg you to stay
But your already on your way

Can’t make it alive on my own
But if you have to go,
Then please girl, just leave me alone
‘Cause I don’t want to see
You and me going our separate ways
I’m begging you to stay
If it isn’t too late

I’m Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn’t around to keep
It’s all me,
This time is the last time that I’ll ever beg you to stay
But your already on your way

~*~*~

There’s nothing much one can say other than sorry all the time. Sometimes, when I say or hear it, I wonder how sincere are the ones who say it. Sometimes, I too, doubt my own sincerity.

There she goes again
The girl I’m in love with
It’s cool we’re just friends
We walk the halls at school
We know it’s casual
It’s cool we’re just…

I don’t wanna lead you on
No
But the truth is I’ve grown fond
Yeah

La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
When we used to be just friends
(when we used to be)
La la la la
La la la la (yeah)
La la la la (yeah)
When we used to be just friends

~*~*~

Sometimes friends become more, other times, they become less. Around me, suddenly friends start to have other friends, who they can’t seem to stop thinking about. Which, really, is good. Lord knows, I used to love a friend. But now, I’d rather stay at this stage where we are “just friends”. It’s so much better and less complicated, for sure. And I truly doubt the possibility of us being together (yes, I can dream and all that, but it’s not happening) because of, well, because. No reason, or at least, none that are not too private that I can actually broadcast through this blog.

~*~*~

Anyway, I really need to slim down alright? I’ve been saying that again and again, but I haven’t been putting in the necessary effort. Exercising is one thing, my diet is another. Seriously. I want to look good, and the only way is to actually cut down and slim down. Pfft. Good luck to me.

I fought with my parents, and my brother, again. I’m getting so sick and tired of this. And after watching this episode of Living the Dream by Joe Jonas, I totally just cried. I really envy the Jonas Brothers. Not because of all the fame and money, but because of the unity that the Jonas family had. For all I know, this may be an act, but at the end, I’m kowtowing here. To the one family that I wish I could have. For the mother who cares (Do your chores son, but I’ll always love you, and you know it *hugs*) and the father who gives them so much (Son, you got to watch your pitching, ok? One, two, three, “I’ve been making lots of plans…”… Good! *family hug*). Gaah. No one can have everything, but I just want a freaking family. And guess what, I’m not even rich and famous. Bleah. It’s an unfair world out there.

Hey guys, just a note: I may be moving back to using blogger soon. I really like it here at wordpress, but I can’t stand the fact that the amount of themes and it’s varieties are so limited. Sorry about that. It’s not a confirmed thing though. I really really like it here at wordpress.

I got the news today 
Doctor said I had to stay 
A little bit longer 
and I’ll be fine 

When I thought it all been done 
When I thought it all been said 
A little bit longer 
and I’ll be fine 

I’ll be fine 

~*~*~

You know, the singer for this song, he’s a diabetic. Somehow, I feel that he is not just singing this for the people like him, but also for those who had gone before him. Nothing wrong with that, really, because I know, I’m like him. And this song really touched my heart. Really deeply. All the insecurities, the hurt, the fear of the future because of its unpredictability. In some corners of my heart, I feel as if this song is speaking of someone who is just like me. So, yeah, I’m really in love with this song. [A big "Thank you" to the Jonas Brothers, for writing this, and Nick, for singing this with everything he has.] 

~*~*~

Death comes knocking when we least expect it. Sometimes, if we are unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on you), Death’s brother, Disease will choose to drop by first. Without much, I can already say that Death’s brother has already chosen to grace my door. But I’ll not very affected by it. Sure, there will be skeptical bums out there that will not see beyond the gift Disease has chosen to bestow upon me, but nevertheless, I’m already very grateful to have lived for 16 years, and at the mean time, I will live the way I choose to until Death decides to escort me there.

~*~*~

Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by the need to eat bananas (something I actually dislike), but I realise that there are no more bananas at home! AH! Thats too sad.

If the heart is always searching, 
Can you ever find a home? 
I’ve been looking for that someone, 
I’ll never make it on my own. 
Dreams can’t take the place of loving you, 
There’s gotta be a million reasons why it’s true

When you look me in the eyes, 
And tell me that you love me. 
Everything’s alright, 
When you’re right here by my side. 
When you look me in the eyes, 
I catch a glimpse of heaven. 
I find my paradise, 
When you look me in the eyes. 

And tell me that you love me. 
Everything’s alright, 
When you’re right here by my side. 
When you look me in the eyes, 
I catch a glimpse of heaven. 
I find my paradise, 
When you look me in the eyes. 

~*~*~

One day, I’ll look into the eyes of that one person and know deep down that I’m finally home. When that day comes, I’ll finally understand why people can survive with love, and how people live because they believe in it. When it comes, I know that I’ll survive hell just for love. When that day comes, I’ll truly know that because that one person holds me in his arms, everything would be alright.

But for now, I’ll wait.

~*~*~

Do you know that the Jonas Brothers actually wears a purity ring on their left ring finger? How I wish I could still put on such a ring and be proud. But I can’t. It’s so wonderful, isn’t it? To stay pure and untainted (physically), just so that the one you love would be the only one who has held you through pleasure and pain? I really admire them (The Jonas Brothers). And even though I know I can’t be like them, I’m going for next best.

~*~*~

I realize I have 3 stupid impulses now. A lusting, a loving and a fascination. A lusting for a person who has been so kind all along, a loving for a friend who would never consider me, and a fascination which would stay as it is (for as long as possible), a fascination. The lusting is so wrong, I’m guilty to my bones. The loving is so strong but I reject for the fear of rejection. The fascination the only constant-a fascination.

These “impulses”, as I named them, are now the bane of my life. I can’t say that they are horrible (innocently vivid fantasies comes too easy), but I can’t say I enjoy them anyway (like I said, TOO EASY). I spend too much time in my fantasies. So much, I fear that they will take over me soon. They’re really uncalled for (I’m still continuously telling myself that), but they are there, and I can’t seem to avoid them.

What bother me most, of course, is the loving. I can’t take the kind step available because I know, read this- KNOW, that nothing will work out and I’ll break even more in the end. That’s why I’ve been acting cold and bothered now. I think it’s my defense mechanism. I can’t tell. I just don’t want to lose a good friend, but either way, I know that things would never be the same for a long stretch.

Next, the lusting. Well, alright, the lusting isn’t as strong as the moment it sparked, but nevertheless, I fell so so sooooo GUILTY about it!!! I know!!! It’s so wrong ok! ARGH!!!!!! (I don’t know why I’m so reactive now, but this guy is good. He’s kind in his own ways and I’m not going to crossover the borders beyond that of a friend.

Lastly, the fascination. Like I said, quite a few lines back, this is the only constant. I like it, because it provides me with an appropriate distraction, which, I guess, is good(?). But in any case, things are changing, and my life will never be the same. I know it.